Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
