do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
