when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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