All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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