ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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