Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
