remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
