I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
