my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
