we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
