she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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