Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
