Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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