I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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