I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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