Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
