bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
