I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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