i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
