Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
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I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life