i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
