Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
