the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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