you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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