Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
