So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
