On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
