If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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