I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
