Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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