The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
