My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
