ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
