When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
