Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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