no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
