I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
