There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
