the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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