I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
