mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
