Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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