Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
