Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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