New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
