Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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