i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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