He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
