If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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