He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
