thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
