I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
