I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
