I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
