Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
