he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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