I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
