I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
