i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
