Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
