I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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