Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
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Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
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Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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