Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
