if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
