my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You can't just leave with hair like that
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
