I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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